The detectives wiped the mobsters' blood off their boots and found the skag.
Skag is heroin, and the book says it's so good, you can never stop doing it.
See me after class, Jacob?
I'm thinking classic us.
I'm thinking old times.
I'm thinking... Ring-a-dee, ring-a-dee, role play us.
Yes, okay.
I'm Jacques Guillaume, and you are Henri Renaud.
We are cat burgers on vacation from France.
I love it.
Although, Henri went to an elite international school, so he does not speak with an accent.
Oh, nice.
Way to flesh out the characters.
Thank you.
Okay, so I break the back window.
Thank you.
My way over to the jewelry case.
Meanwhile, you're standing lookout.
Oui, oui.
By the front door, smoking a cigarette.
Check it.
Ash.
Ooh la la.
OK, so I am smoking.
What are you doing?
Ah, Jacques rose his own cigarettes, a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille.
But that is not all he picked up.
Why do all your characters get STDs?
Because they're living life.
All right.
I go to the first case, smash, steal a bunch of watches.
Move over to the second case, smash, bracelets.
But then we hear a sound, and...
I yell... And I know what that means because I'm French, but I ask you to repeat it in English just to be sure.
Police are here.
Yes.
We got to get out of here, so we turn to leave.
You flick your cigarette.
Using the cane, using the cane.
This is awesome.
Voila, the butt.
I thought Henri didn't have an accent.
It comes out when he gets excited.
Excuse me, Mr. Ewing, my name is Jake Frost.
Oh, no!
Hey.
You're my favorite player.
Sidewinder, this is Deathblade.
Do you copy, Sidewinder?
Over.
This is Sidewinder, Deathblade.
I read you loud and clear.
Over.
Do you have a 20 on wet blanket, Sidewinder?
Over.
I do have a visual.
Over.
Okay, Boyle, it's time for the Manhunter to hunt.
Ooh, here he comes.
Watch out, man.
He'll hunt you down.
Ooh, here he comes.
Jake's a man hunter.
Charles, I love that.
Keep doing the song while I work the scene.
You got it.
Hey, Jake, can you move Legends of the Fall from new releases into drama?
You got it, Dad.
Oh, Captain, I would like a $40 gift card to any restaurant that serves nachos.
I don't have you, Peralta.
Not only do I know that you do indeed have me, but I also know who everyone else has.
That's not possible.
Perhaps not for ordinary men such as yourself, Jeffords, but for the brilliant mind of Detective Jacob Sherlock Peralta, I legally changed my name.
It's quite simply elementary.
For you see, Amy made a face I only recognize from our bedroom, which means that she has Captain Holt.
Charles has Terry.
His eyes keep shifting over to him.
No, they don't.
Terry looked disgusted, which means he has Hitchcock.
Rosa didn't draw a name, nor did she put one in.
She doesn't want to participate.
Never do.
Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads, and he quite clearly said Charles.
I did get Charles.
Scully has Amy.
He's holding his paper name side out.
Oh, he's good.
And I have Scully, which means Captain Holt has me.
I'll be taking that gift card.
Daddy loves nachos.
Death wish.
That's what everyone calls me, because I'm always first through the door.
You go through doors normally, and everyone calls you Pineapples.
My grandma calls me Pineapples, and I regret telling you that.
What is the bandwidth on the Wi-Fi here?
We have much content to stream.
I can feel your heat.
How's everybody feeling?
Anyone else have the weird urge to lecture themselves?
Peralta, what are you doing?
Peralta, what are you doing?
I conjured him.
And I'm Tank Hendricks.
Moms love me.
Oh, strange detail, but believable.
Oh, uh, Daniella, these are two prospective members, Tyrone and Tank.
Tyrone likes Bordeaux's, and Tank is beloved by mothers.
Great.
Can I get your info for our database?
Absolutely.
I live at 100 Charming Avenue.
And Tyrone here is at 328 Second Street, right next to a Hubert Pizza.
Great.
Enjoy your tasting.
Thanks.
100 Charming Avenue?
It's a real place.
I looked it up specifically to make you mad.
Okay, I'm gonna go find and catch our perp.
Love you.
Bye.
This is my personal assistant, Mangy Carl.
Ah, it's nice to meet you.
You can just call me Carl.
Mangy Carl used to be a homeless gentleman.
I work with a charity that finds jobs for down-on-the-luck white people.
He's just a big ol' angel.
He's been so good to the whites.
Hey, speaking of which, we should probably grab that phone, you know, so you can get back to architecturals.
Yes, it's in a spare bedroom.
I'll go with you.
It's a mess.
Actually, we can handle it on our own, ma'am.
Thank you so much.
Why don't you just stay up here and chop it up with Rosa?
Well, that sounds nice.
This is his lawyer, Carl Mangerson.
Hey, I'm a lawyer.
Maxine wants to buy a Shelby Cobra.
I hear George might have one.
He just dropped off a few cars, but he didn't say anything about no Cobra.
I mostly deal with scrap and crap, you know?
Son of a bitch.
Is everything all right here, Maxine?
You speak in good English.
That's just a few phrases he picked up from movies and such.
He's disappointed.
He really wanted that cobra.
You know the French.
So passionate.
Even their skunks, Pepe Le Pew.
It doesn't matter.
I'm a lawyer.
No further comments.
Ho ho ho!
Merry Christmas!
Whoa!
Thank you, good sir.
The elves will not starve this night.
Any sign of our bogey?
Negative.
Are you sure our guy's gonna show?
My CI said he walked this route exactly the last three days.
Fine, but in ten minutes we're calling this.
I have to get back to my ecstasy task force.
We have to bag a major Giggle Pig player soon or they're gonna shut us down.
Oh, and a bottle of rum.
Presents!
God, you're bad at being Santa.
Jake, holy crap, 9 o'clock.
The Pontiac Bandit, a.k.a.
Doug Judy.
Okay, Santa, stay calm, just like we practiced.
Merry Judy, Mr. Doug Judy Christmas.
Damn it!
Carousel?
No!
On your ring attack.
Ah!
Greasy!
MIP, stop where you are!
Come on, Santa, why are you so fast?
NYPD, clear out.
Where are you?
Gotcha.
Doug Judy, you're under arrest.
Duran's in the air.
Hey, Rosa.
Merry Christmas, girl.
Shut up.
Take a good look, kids.
This is what happens when you're naughty!
There he is.
Tito, what's up, my man?
Doug, Judy.
Who are they?
That's my bodyguard, Selena.
We doing it on the DL.
He's an amazing lover.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, nice!
And this here is my partner, Dante Thunderstone.
The one and only .
OK, Judy.
If we're going to do business, I got to see how good you really are.
This is a test.
Go jack that car right now.
Give him the tools.
No worries.
That is a cinch to pinch.
There's no way you're getting in that car alone.
Hey, where are you going, Thunderstone?
To steal the car.
I jack the rides.
Judy holds my tools.
Fine.
Then you'll have two minutes.
Only need one.
It was tight.
Played him like a boss.
Thanks.
Now I just need to magically learn how to steal a car.
Blah, blah.
Damn it, he's still here.
Excuse me?
Uh, I was just talking to another one of the voices.
Is it Tatiana?
Who now?
The mischievous seven-year-old British girl you told me about on the phone.
May I speak with her?
Yes?
Hello, Doctor.
I'm from Wessex.
Is that an actual place in England?
How should I know?
I'm just a little girl, I am, I am.
Well, it's nice to speak with you, Tatiana.
Can I say hello to Brian, the bookkeeper from central London?
Cheers.
I'm Brian.
I like bookkeeping right in the middle of London.
Did I tell you a full list of my old many personalities when I called you on the old telly, innit?
Yes, you did.
And are any of them, hopefully, not from England?
There's Geoffrey.
You said he's Australian.
Oh, crikey.
Hey, I love the spray tan, Joey.
Hey, let me take a picture of you.
I want to show this color to the guy who stains my deck.
Congratulations, Tony.
It's a beautiful night.
Hey, you're one of us now.
You know how long I've been waiting for one of you old men to kiss me?
He's a good kid.
I gotta say, out of the four of you, I think Vito's the best kisser.
Ah, what a wedding, huh?
Although the meatballs were a little dry.
So, that's 20 cargo ships in the last three months.
Whoever's behind this smuggling ring knows their way around the docks, so we're going undercover as longshoremen.
I will be Von Tom Tucker, a gruff, spitting, punch-you-in-the-gut sailor man who's taking a little break on dry land, but just until my girlfriend, Kangela, gets out of lady jail.
Did you just spit in my trash can?
No, Vaughn did.
There's some tobacco in there, too.
Vaughn chews it, but it makes Jake super dizzy.
And I'm Twink Tucker.
You cannot choose your own name anymore.
I got a job at the docks to support my drug habit, but I kept it because I love the seagulls.
What, are you Irish now?
No.
Well, we better get going, Captain.
Don't want to be late for our shift down to the docks.
Good news.
The leader of the cargo smoking ring turned himself in at the 8-3.
The mafia was closing in on him.
Oh.
Oh.
That's great.
That's good news.
Yeah.
Case closed.
I guess we'll just return these outfits.
Great.
Take this back.
You have 10 minutes.
Coffee.
Extra black, extra no sugar, and real warm.
It gets cold on them ducks.
I want a little gray tea for me.
Twink, Tucker.
No, you ruined it.
Rex Buckingham, at your service.
That was majestic.
Custom knee pads to help me win coolest kill.
What, don't tell me old Buckingham is the only chap here with a signature move.
You left without me.
You were late again.
Well, I had to put on my undercover minivan disguise.
Say hello to Harvey Norganbloom, CPA, recently divorced father of two with a dark sexual secret.
What's your cover?
Angry Captain.
Okay, so you do not like my ensemble.
I'm just concerned that you may find it hard to pursue a criminal on foot while wearing man sandals.
But the sandals define Harvey.
He's a sandals guy.
Look out, bad guys.
It's Barley and Gyms.
Barley and Gyms are on the case.
Please refrain from make-believe this time.
Fine.
Evening, ma'am.
NYPD.
Barley and Gyms.
We're looking for Donnie Romano.
Ugh.
Come in.
Pregnant.
Nice.
Means you had sex.
Damn right I did.
And I forgot my birth control.
Yeah.
I think the belly will draw attention away from my face.
Smart.
Like one big boob.
Jake will go first, then Amy, then Rosa.
On your mark, get set, Paul Gosselaar!
Here comes Jake.
Woo!
Welcome to the big show.
I was gonna sneak the plaque out without anybody knowing, but then I thought, so much more fun to make you watch.
Now enjoy as I steal the plaque of destiny.
Ah, trying to pick the lock, El Capitan?
That'll take at least three minutes.
By which time I will have hidden this plaque somewhere.
You will never find it.
Voila.
Of course, you could break the window, but you would never knowingly destroy government property, would you?
Well, misread that one.
Cheetah, skate!
Skate like the wind!
Oh, Gina, are you okay?
It's cool.
I'm fine.
Ain't nothing.
Totally, girl.
You look good.
What?
No.
Give me my keys.
Will you stop catching me?
Do you have any idea how much I spent on keychains?
$23.
Wow, that is unbelievably close.
$22.76.
Keys.
Okay, look.
Tonight has been a little humiliating.
Things are not going well, so I'm going to just throw this out there.
What do you say we call off the bet, pretend this whole thing never happened?
Oh, I'm not letting you off the hook.
What?
No.
I meant to give you an out so you can save face.
This is getting sad.
Yeah, for you.
Handmaid's Tale.
This is Amy.
She won't shut up about how relevant that show is in today's political landscape.
It's relevant as hell, but I'm not doing anything.
Terry also loved the show.
This is him.
No, no, I love Elizabeth Moss.
Terry thought the show was too bleak.
Oh, they're coming from everywhere.
Hello.
Blessed be the fruit, baby.
Hitchcock, you watch that show.
Watch what?
That's my pickup line.
What are they doing?
I haven't heard from Charles.
We need to check to make sure everything's fine.
Check what?
The server?
I stole the cummerbund from under there an hour ago.
You knew about... Not you, plane, the server.
I've known about your plans for weeks.
Uh-oh, they're circling.
Stop!
Hello, of Amy.
I don't know what's going on.
Nice costume, Peralta.
No Peralta here, just a normal janitor pushing trash around.
Come out of there.
Captain, hey.
You really thought this was gonna work?
Uh, it did work.
This whole janitor gambit was designed to fail.
It's just like in chess.
Sometimes in order to win, you have to sacrifice your king.
That's exactly how you lose at chess.
Have you ever played the game?
Yeah.
I used to play with my Uncle Bob all the time, and he said I was great.
This is a game of concentration, Jake.
So focus your mind.
Start shooting.
Now you're a master of chess, huh?
He taught me how to shoot backgammon, too.
I expected better of you.
You could have at least created a diversion to distract me from your terrible costume.
Uh, I'm not a dumb butt.
I had a diversion planned.
There was just a slight timing issue.
Oh my god!
Get down, everyone!
There's a big fire!
Captain, you better head over there for like 15 minutes and see what's going on with that.
Beware the backdraft.
I'll be in your office.
You have beautiful eyes.
Have it your way.
But you're going to need this and that.
It's filthy in there.
Captain, welcome to the end game.
Would you care to shake the hand of the man who defeated you?
Thought I was wearing handcuffs.
Oh, that hurt.
So I got assigned to this one rookie, and on his training day, I made him smoke angel dust at gunpoint.
Me.
Isn't that the plot and tagline?
The movie Training Day?
Yes.
Great observation, Tank.
It's because it's based on my life.
Lunch is over.
Bunch of trays.
Now, Peralta.
I haven't finished my lemon cookie bowl.
And you're not going to get to either.
Give it to me.
Oh, you want the cookie?
There's your cookie.
You're going in the hole.
Oh, I'm going in the hole?
Yeah.
Yeah, bring it on.
Detective, we'd like you to go undercover and help us with the investigation.
OK, the answer is yes.
The details are my name is Duncan Buck.
I was raised on an oil rig by 90 men and one prostitute.
We'd like you to be yourself.
Even better.
This could be very dangerous.
Look, Raymond, a yellow-crusted warbler.
Look, Raymond, a yellow-crusted warbler.
Ugh, not excited enough.
They may be common, but they're still birds.
The 92nd Street Y had a wonderful symposium on just that topic.
That's it.
You're getting it.
Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Oh, don't say cool.
Instead say indeed.
Oh.
Indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.
That's weird.
Look, Raymond.
A yellow-crusted warbler.
Yes!
That's the right level of excitement for such a bird.
You've captured the essence of Kevin.
You've done it.
Correction.
I've accomplished it.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed.
It's growing on me.
All right, you're almost to the corner.
You sure you're not gonna be spotted?
Absolutely.
My cover makes me invisible.
Excuse me, ma'am, do you have two minutes to talk about the environment?
Nailed it.
Now no one will make eye contact with me.
Terry, do you copy?
I copy.
Seriously?
You're still mad at me?
All I said was I copy.
Yeah, but you had a tone.
Just admit it.
Let it go, Jake.
No, he's right.
Terry had a tone.
Terry had a big-time tone.
And Jeremy the giraffe has a very long neck.
All right, focus up.
We got 18 minutes, 41 seconds to break this record.
No screwing around.
Oh, you're really not gonna do a character?
What about Rex Bookingham?
Okay, never ever do an accent again.
And I am playing a character.
A no-nonsense detective whose only goal is to set this course record.
His name is Vic Kovac.
He's an ex-Navy SEAL who was double-crossed and left for dead.
I don't have time for his backstory.
Open it!
Good afternoon, may I help you?
We're here all the time.
Get familiar with these faces or get familiar with the unemployment line.
I'm so sorry, but I have to check you in.
I need a member number.
I don't have my member number with me.
It's too bad you can't just use my Amex black card.
Oh, that's great.
We can use that.
You can?
Well, you think I carry around my own wallet?
I'm sorry, sir.
If you could just give me a name, that would be great.
I'll give you a name.
Pomplamoose Lacroix.
I'm so sorry, Miss Lacroix.
You're not in the system.
This is ridiculous.
You know what?
Call Daddy.
Daddy will get us in.
Daddy, the man won't let us into the club.
Oh.
Yes, Daddy.
No, Daddy.
No.
Daddy wants to speak with you.
Gladly.
Hello, Daddy.
Yes, Daddy.
No, Daddy.
Daddy.
Oh, well, good question, Daddy.
Daddy wants to get this young man fired.
What is your first and last name?
If you need to chat, just schedule an appointment with Brent Kennedy, OBGYN.
And I'm Glenn Kennedy, OBGYN.
We're twins, like Property Brothers, but for gynecology.
No, I said no to that idea.
Okay, here's my cover.
My name is Sherwin Lamond, sculptor, painter, full-time barista.
But once I sell my first piece, part-time barista.
Oh, nice.
Hello everyone, my name is Roger Strikewell and I will be your guest auctioneer this evening.
So many faces to look at.
I won a radio contest and I'm so excited to be here tonight to sell you all of these cool old Greek things.
Our first item up for bid is lot number 344.
It is this old vase, a vase if you're nasty.
It was made in the year five, and depicts the classic Greek fable, boy meets girl, boy has goat legs, and on the back, just a whole bunch of wheat.
So let's start the bidding at $10.
Okay, started way too low.
Where you going?
To the dance contest.
I am nationally recognized foxtrotter Dave Blathis, and these are my proteges, Rhonda Shawarma and Hank Frankel.
I don't care who you are.
Upstairs is closed to the public.
Fine.
But we didn't have to endure this crap when we danced in Barcelona.
I'm gonna win.
I'm gonna win.
Rip, rip, rip, rip, rip.
Oh, I see what I did wrong.
I did the jump bad.
Hey, everyone.
I just want to introduce you to our new assistant manager, Larry Sherbert.
Son of a bitch.
Larry, you want to say a few words?
Absolutely.
Thanks.
Hey, everybody.
A couple things about my management style.
Number one, don't nobody ask me about what's in my cup.
We ain't gonna have no problems.
Two, I believe in the power of nicknames.
Smile face, senorita swag, Kahuna.
Yeah.
And you, my friend, we will call Mr. Fart.
Seems rather unprofessional.
He called you Mr. Fart, Mr. Fart.
Thanks, Kahuna.
Guys, can I get real with you for one sec?
I used to work for a real stickler.
The type of guy that just got off on telling me what to do.
One time he invaded my private space and stole my stuff.
Why would he do that?
Perhaps he had a good reason.
Wrong, Mr. Fart.
He was a jerk and he sucked.
But he was the one who motivated me to get off my ass and get this job.
So in a way, we really have him to thank for all this happening.
Give it up.
How great is this guy, Greg?
Wait, that's Greg?
The stoner?
Yeah, look at him.
He's such a rasta.
Oh, total rasta.
Bill, is that you?
Yes, it's me, Bill.
Hello.
You seem different.
Nope.
I'm still the same old Bill Hummertraut who grew up in Bean Station, Tennessee, and shaves his armpits.
Anyway, meet the new recruit I signed up.
New Nutracruit?
Boom, boom.
Boom, boom.
My name is Barry St. Barry, and I can't wait to get inside and unlock my Nutri-future.
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
I love your energy.
Boom, boom.
I love your energy.
Boom, boom.
Get up there.
My name's Captain Spike Masters.
This is my co-pilot, Wanda Cohen.
I drive the plane when he sleeps.
I also take care of hotel accommodations.
Where'd you guys say you flew in from?
Akron.
Connected in Akron.
Took the old 78 Niner on the wind stream.
You know, flight stuff.
Anyhow...
Could you grab those two whiskeys, please?
I do not know who you are, and I do not think you are pilots.
Your suit doesn't even fit.
I had my stomach stable.
Unhand us.
This is outrageous.
I demand to speak with the Commodore himself.
Everyone involved tonight is gonna get written up.
Okay, fine.
Here's everyone who was there.
Jake Peralta, Jay Peralta, Dr. Jacob Peralta, who has a PhD in slow jam studies from Funktown State University.
Also involved was the Wright Honorable J...
Okay, I know.
Hello, sir, how are you today?
I am Detective Wright all the time, and this is my partner, Detective Terrible Detective.
