Typically, I show you a little bit of my day, take you guys to the gym with me, etc.
But tonight, I just kind of want to talk.
I've been in a rather isolated stage for the last five years of my life, I would say.
You know I've been around people, I live with people, but The kind of isolation that I'm talking about is very much mental.
I feel like I don't really relate to anyone.
And I don't say that in a way that's supposed to sound like I'm better than anyone or anything along those lines.
It's just that you know, especially being from Jersey, the lifestyle here is a lot different than what I'm pursuing.
The norm here is blue collar jobs, getting drunk and watching the Eagles game.
And that's pretty much it.
Like there's not much more to it.
And so mostly everyone around me does just that.
And the path of personal development or self-improvement, whatever you want to call it is hard enough.
And when you do it alone, it can really be mentally taxing.
Now, this isn't my first rodeo.
I'm certainly going through a stage that is a lot more intensive as of late, really over the past year.
Since I've actually started to gain traction on social media, ironically enough, it's funny.
But i think that's more evidence to testament to the legitimacy of the spiritual war, because logically it doesn't make sense.
You know, like the more success you get, why does it feel like the more evil tries to creep into its, into your life?
So to me it doesn't really make any sense other than the fact that the spiritual war is very much present in our lives.
But yeah, when you do it alone can be extremely mentally taxing.
I'd like to say that i have a lot of experience dealing with being mentally isolated and being on this kind of path alone.
You know, I was thinking today and life right now kind of feels like I'm sitting in a blank white room and that's it.
In this white room, you know, the just solitude.
It symbolizes solitude and being on this very much lonely path of personal development and just trying to be i'm trying to be my best you know i want to make as many good decisions that i can as i can and i'm always aware of when i make a bad one but anytime i make a bad decision i've noticed that it's always in an effort it's not because i want to be bad i want to be detrimental to myself my journey it's it's because i'm trying to make this white room that i sit in the least bit more interesting you know so when you're spending years of your life in this mental solitude and you're someone that's hyper aware you're always self-analyzing you know you're kind of just judging every single decision you make every mental every thought that you have every feeling that you feel All of it.
You're extremely hyper aware of it all.
Hyper sensitive to it all.
Because you just want to do the best you can.
And not only that, but if you believe in God, as I do, then also someone's watching.
So it all becomes really difficult sometimes.
I don't want to sugarcoat any of this, man.
As much as I try and motivate you guys and inspire you, I try and keep it as real as possible.
It's important to be optimistic and it's important to be forward-looking and motivated and excited.
But You know what happens when things get real, when you do go into that stage of solitude, of mental isolation, and you don't have anyone to go to or a video to watch, when you're presented with choice A or choice B, you know, and you're in this stage of life that is so just dreadful that even if choice B is clearly the bad decision,
You do choose it because it's at least different.
At least it's different than the white walls that surround you.
You know, this video is more so me just venting about how I feel.
But I also hope that some of you who watch this video will be in a very similar stage in life, feeling very similar feelings.
You know, I really was debating, making a video that was upbeat and optimistic to try and trick my mind out of this rut that it's in.
But it just doesn't seem sincere.
In this moment, I want to tell myself to just be patient.
And I've been telling myself that same thing for years now.
And sometimes it feels like manhunt. how long do I have to wait?
And it's like, well, what are you waiting for?
And it feels like I don't, it feels like I'm not asking for that much.
I don't really care about.
I used to want to be rich and drive fancy cars and I'm sure it'd be nice, but that's not really what I want.
I used to want to own a yacht and live this crazy lifestyle on private jets, and That all seemed very appealing to me when I was a broke kid, being raised in a terrible situation.
But now it's very different.
I've seen that.
And even just seeing it a little bit, I know that that's not really what I want.
I want one to be Not satisfied, but I want to be sure of myself.
I want to feel, I don't know if proud is the right word either.
I want to be sure that I'm, that I am doing my best.
I feel like a lot of times I'm so hyper aware of everything, every thought, every feeling, every decision, that I'm always second guessing if I made the right choice or if I make a bad choice it's because I didn't feel capable of making that good choice.
But there's always that voice that says maybe you, maybe you could have, maybe you just weren't strong enough.
Maybe you, maybe it was just that simple and you couldn't manage.
It's hard to tell when that voice is evil and when it's just you trying to be your best.
But what do I want?
I want to live a simple life.
I want to be financially free, but nothing crazy.
I just don't want to be stressed financially.
I want to live Maybe in the east somewhere.
Maybe Russia.
I have this fascination with Russian culture.
Maybe in Georgia or Moscow or St.
Petersburg.
I want a wife, of course.
I want a good amount of kids.
I had this number with five.
I want five, but I don't know.
We'll see.
Maybe three.
I want a daughter, too.
I really look forward to the day that um, I just I know I'm going to be a girl, that I want to have a strong sense of family.
It's not exactly something I feel like I have a strong basis of right now, for obvious reasons, but you know, I want to build a family of my own.
I want to have family traditions.
Just the little things.
You can see it now, and that's really what I want.
I want to be a religious man.
I want to have a strong relationship with God and a disciplined relationship with God.
I think that's extremely important.
I think religion in the West has become very, very loose, very individualistic, and it just doesn't resonate with me.
So I want to be disciplined in my faith.
I want to have good health, of course.
I want to be confident in my work, which I am.
This is probably, this is really like the thing.
I don't know really what I do.
I mean, yeah, I do.
Because I did it for a long time.
It's just kind of crazy how fast life changes, you know?
But I still question, man, like, if I had all that, would I be satisfied then?
Or would I still feel like this sense of pressure and hold on?
I gotta close this window because these planes man.
So what I think is happening is God puts us through stages, and we have to be ready.
All those things that I listed that I want are blessings from God.
And I need to become the person that is worthy of those blessings.
I need to be able to manage them.
And until then, I won't have them.
And that takes patience.
It takes persistence, faith and trust in god's process, because he will put you in the positions that you need to be in in order to develop the skills um, and become the person i think that's a better way to put it.
It's not really skills, that seems a bit too disconnected.
It's to become the person that you need to be in order to have those things be do have.
That's a very foundational thing in scripture.
Reminds me of the story of Matthew, and you know it's.
It describes Jesus, after he's baptized, walking through the forest and in isolation, and the devil comes to speak to him directly and tries to tempt him and lead him away from God.
But but he doesn't, of course, And sometimes I feel like I'm in that forest.
I feel like that's kind of like the stage I'm in right now.
I feel like I'm being tested.
And so I'm sat in this white room, surrounded by these walls, and sometimes I think I'm going to go crazy, but I find myself some some way somehow, you know, and I keep going.
And there really isn't much you can do apart from just I truly do think everything is a blessing from God.
And so, even in the times where you feel, when you feel the most struggle, when you feel weakest, when you feel the most lost, when you feel hopeless, even in that moment, in that scenario or circumstance that has put you into that mindset,
Even that is a blessing by God, because it is for a reason.
It is for you to learn something.
It is for you to gain some sort of experience or perspective.
There are a lot of things that will come our way that we so dearly value and become so grateful for in our future that we couldn't even possibly think of right now.
But God, God delivers them to you, these little blessings that make it all worth it.
So we have to hang in there, you know.
We just have to hang in there.
And I'm with you in this.
I want you to know that.
I really am.
You know like I don't make these videos from the standpoint as if I'm waving my finger at you, telling you how to live your life, or that I'm any better than you.
I'm just trying to help a brother or a sister in this war. that we both fight.
I think we're fighting the same enemy and that is evil.
Anyways, I appreciate your time and I'll see you soon.
