This is an All Ears English podcast, episode 2628.
Who else is going?
Is it okay to ask?
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When you get invited to a party, is it okay to ask who else is going before accepting?
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Hey there, Michelle.
How's everything today?
Good.
Lindsay, how are you?
Feeling good.
Glad to be on the podcast with you.
Michelle, have you ever invited someone to something and then they go and they ask who else is going?
Oh, yeah.
That doesn't feel great.
No, it really doesn't.
I mean, how did it make you feel?
Yeah.
I mean it makes you feel like, oh so I'm not good enough, or you know, it just doesn't feel right, you know.
It's really not.
It's not a classy thing to say.
It's really not.
No, it's definitely not.
Have you been in that position?
Yeah.
I feel like when I was younger, I got that question sometimes.
And that made me like the person a lot less when they asked me that.
Yeah.
It kind of tells you something about the person, right?
Yeah.
That they, they just want to be around the cool kids.
You know, and maybe you're not a cool kid, but if you, if they're going to be cool kids there, they'll go right.
That's not, that's not good.
No.
Yes, exactly.
So today we're going to talk about this situation and what not to say.
So this actually came up in a recent episode about deciding to go to something with a friend.
Yes.
I'm going to see if I can find that episode number for you later on.
But if not, just, you know, scroll through.
You'll see it was it was a good one.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
So guys, before we go any further, make sure you hit that follow button so that you are.
The show is dropping right into your listening queue five days a week, right.
Get into the habit of listening to Allers English, hanging out with us five days a week, and you will see that fluency start to get better and better.
All right.
Yeah.
So, Lindsay, let's talk about it.
So this situation is different.
This is if you ask right.
In that other episode it was if you ask who's coming to something in a way that makes it seem like you're like you're making your decision to come based on who else is going to be there.
And no, whether it's true or not.
If you ask who is coming before you give your RSVP, it can be really insulting to the person inviting you.
Totally agree.
100%.
So what are we getting into today then, Michelle?
Yeah.
So we're talking basically today is a what not to say episode.
And then we're going to talk about it, you know, what you what you could possibly do.
So but let's give a little role play example of exactly how this sounds.
All right.
So Michelle, are you coming to my party on Saturday?
Um, maybe who else is going?
Oh, I have no.
Ouch.
Right.
It really sounds like something that like a snobby girl would say to you in middle school or something.
Yes, you know.
Yes, it's so true, it is.
That is a.
It's very painful.
So people know what that means right, people know exactly what that means.
Yeah Yes, yes.
So definitely, this is something that we want to avoid.
Why, Lindsay?
I mean, it's talk about the fastest way to break a connection.
We're all about connection here on the show, human connection through language.
And this is it, right?
We maybe...
Maybe one day we'll do the 10 fastest ways to break connection in English.
And this will be on the list.
This would absolutely be on the list.
And so that's the answer.
It just breaks connection right away.
It makes the person feel like... they're not enough.
Although it's not worth even feeling that way in front of someone that has like lacks the class and says something like this right.
Like they don't deserve to make you feel that way, but you still might feel that way.
Yes, yes, exactly.
And I did find that episode number.
So I'm going to give that out to you guys at the end of the episode.
So you can listen to how we got to this episode, really.
So yeah, um, What is another thing that someone might say that is the same type of idea?
Yeah, just not maybe with different words, but saying the same thing.
People might say, depends on who is coming, right?
If I asked you if you're coming to my party, oh, sorry, depends who is coming, right?
Right, right.
I mean, or depends on who's coming.
Either one, both of you might hear.
Um, or who else has said yes.
Yeah.
Or, or who else has said yes so far?
Maybe.
Right.
Right.
Um, so, and I, this also made me wonder, like, is this a cultural thing?
That's a really good question.
Yeah, because, you know, maybe in other cultures it's not offensive.
Maybe.
Maybe it's just, you know, you're inquiring.
And the truth is sometimes you might just be inquiring.
Right.
The perception, at least in American culture, is if you're going to ask that question and you haven't given your RSVP, you didn't say whether or not you're coming.
Now it sounds like okay, you're only coming if Betsy and Rita are coming, but you don't want to just come for me, right?
Yeah, totally.
Now, if you've already given your RSVP and that person knows very well that you are coming, maybe you're helping plan or something.
It's totally OK.
Right.
But that's a different totally different.
Yeah.
So really important to think about this here.
But yeah, I like that, Lindsay.
Like if we did an episode or a series on the 10 fastest ways to break a connection.
That would be interesting.
Yeah.
Yeah, guys hit the follow button.
I'm excited for that episode, to see what are these devastating things you might do that you want to think twice about before doing them or saying them right?
That's pretty funny.
Yeah, that would be a funny episode.
So, but yeah, we're going to take a little bit of a break and then we're going to come back and keep talking about this.
Okay.
All right, Michelle, we are back.
So where to where should we go now?
Yeah, so I was trying to think of ways to inquire without making it rude.
So I was trying to think, oh, what could you say?
But, like I said, what I realized is if you are truly just guiding your decision based on who's coming, then I don't know that there is a lightweight way to do this.
What do you think, Lindsay?
I would probably stay away entirely.
I mean, do you want to cultivate the friendship with the host or not, right?
It's really about that.
And I feel like this is probably something that happens I would hope a little less and less as we get older and we just kind of value the friendships we have rather than wanting to be around certain people.
But I don't know.
Maybe that's not true.
I don't know.
Right.
Yeah.
So try to make your decision based on the event.
I mean especially.
I mean if, like if you're going to an event where you might have the opportunity to speak English, you know like you go to the event, you know, don't worry, who's going to be there.
You might meet someone new.
It's a very closed-minded thing to just say, oh, I'm only going if these people are going.
I understand the feeling of wanting to go there.
Maybe you have social anxiety, right?
And that's why.
However, it's not a good look.
So, I mean, you could say something like, oh, I'm hoping to come.
I'll let you know this evening if that's OK.
Who's coming so far?
I'm sure it'll be fun.
So that like it kind of softens it a little bit, but it's still I don't know.
But because you're saying certain things that are softening it.
And not making it seem like your decision hinges on who's going.
You're saying, oh, I'm hoping to come, right?
I'm sure it will be fun.
I'll let you know this evening.
So you're saying other things.
So that's passable, I guess, right?
It's passable.
Yeah.
But it's like you know, if you're doing this in a disingenuine way, you know it might, you know you might not be able to fool the person.
But
Yeah.
It's also kind of fun just to show up to a party and not quite know.
I mean, you have some idea because you know who your friend's friends are.
Right.
So you have some idea usually who will be there.
But sometimes it's fun just to show up and see who's there.
Oh, my God.
Well, I mean, it brings me back to in college, I was going on a trip.
And it was like an organized big trip.
And I was going with my friend.
And she at the last minute got sick, and she backed out and I was Oh, my gosh, I was freaking out.
And I was supposed to go with this friend.
And then it turned out probably to be the best thing.
I mean, that that she didn't go.
I mean, no offense to her.
But I think it branched me out because then you're kind of stuck to that person.
Yeah.
That's the thing.
When you don't really know, you just know people as acquaintances, you can branch out a lot more.
And that's actually really good for learning a language.
Like if you get invited to a party with a bunch of native speakers, you don't really know anyone that well.
It's a huge and you're not with anyone else that you know, especially that speaks your language.
Huge learning opportunity for fluency building right.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
So so if it's not what's making your decision, who else is coming?
Then make sure that that's obvious.
So you might say something like, oh, who's coming?
I'm so excited to see everyone.
So this implies you're going, you are going, you're just curious.
Yeah.
Or you say you could say they've asked you if you're coming.
Yes, I'll be there.
Who else is RSVP'd?
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So this makes it clear that you're just you're just wondering who's going to be there, but you're excited any way, you're going.
So let's do some role plays, Lindsay.
OK, here we go.
So here I asked you to a movie night.
Love movie nights.
Love going to the movies.
All right.
So are you interested?
Sounds like fun.
Is anyone I know coming?
Yeah, Beth will be there too.
Oh, awesome.
Yeah, I think I can make it.
Yeah.
So you kind of slipped it in there, the question a little bit.
Borderline, right?
Borderline, right?
You know, sometimes there's that gray area, but we absolutely want to avoid is who else is coming?
I know tone of voice or depends who's coming right, that that really makes it seem like it's hinging on it.
Um, i think it's fair to ask if people you know are coming.
So yeah um, let's do another one.
So in this one i am.
I am waiting on an rsvp from you for my birthday dinner.
All right yes okay, so can you make it?
Yeah, I'll be there.
Who else is RSVP'd?
Oh, our whole group is coming too.
Oh, I'm so glad you can make it.
That's awesome.
Can't wait.
So here I already said, I said, yes, I'm coming, right?
So if I'm asking who else is RSVP'd after, it's a very different question.
Right.
And the first one you kind of said, you kind of tentatively said, sounds like fun.
So you're enthusiastic about it, no matter who's coming.
So this one's better.
This one's a little more polite because you already said, yes, I'm coming.
Yeah, really interesting.
So guys, that other episode I was talking about is 2612.
That was I'm Up For It If You Are, How to Recruit Your Friends to Join You at Social Events.
Good.
All right.
Excellent.
Okay.
Yes, Michelle, I think this definitely goes in the top 10 of the fastest ways to break connection.
Hit follow if you're interested in that episode coming up soon.
Any other takeaway, Michelle?
I mean, yeah.
What do you think?
Any other takeaways?
Yeah, just, you know, sometimes we have to talk about what not to do, right?
And how it can sound and it's the perception of what it gives off.
And even if maybe your intention isn't that and maybe you just have a really genuine intention like that, you're really anxious and
Right.
You know, it's hard, you know, and it's hard for you.
Um it, just it's.
Unless you're totally honest about that you know, and say I I'm just like I got nervous around new people.
I really want to come, but you know um, You know that would probably be fair if you're just honest.
But if you're just saying, oh, who else is going?
It's really going to make it sound like you're a social seeker, a social letter.
I don't know.
A climber.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, for sure.
But this has been really interesting to talk about today.
Yeah, i love it.
And you know uh, if you know the person well that you're talking to, that you're answering that question.
Um, it's not as devastating every single word you say right, because the person knows you, they know you in context and they know like oh, that's not what she meant, or you know she's just distracted or busy or something.
Um, but it's more about like new relationships where it could make or break, Right.
So we want to be really intentional here.
Really good.
Good topic today, Michelle.
And I will see you back on the mic soon.
All right, Lindsay.
Bye, guys.
Bye.
Take care.
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